Some people never get what they want in life. Because they are always playing victim. They blame everyone around them but themselves.
But peak performers always get what they want.
If you want to attract the perfect partner for you, you have to work on yourself.
Like energy attracts energy.
You attract people at the level that you’re at.
Whenever I hear someone complain about how the dating scene is so horrible or that they’ve been single for years because “everyone out there sucks”, it sometimes drives me to madness because isn’t it common sense to not play the victim?
Many people can’t stomach the fact that they are in fact to blame for every single failure in their life.
But if you can overcome that, your life is only going to level up.
You get what you want by being you: the friends, the partners, the opportunities, the life…
1. Put In The Hard Work
Growing up, I’ve always been a strong person due to influences from my mom and I read a lot of biographies and books with female heroines. In fact, I kept Queen Elizabeth’s coronation photo in my ‘wallet’ as a little girl. No, I never had the desire to rule the world. How stressful would that be to have everything you say and do scrutinize on a world stage?!
To me, being a queen doesn’t mean to ‘be the boss’ but it means being well-rounded, trustworthy, dependable and able to keep your shit and dignity together when the world crumbles. Survival is adaptability and resilience.
When I was in high school, there was a girl who couldn’t even go to the bathroom by herself, and when I heard that, my inexperienced teenage mind instantly decided to keep her at a distance because I thought that was pathetic. She was in actuality a very sweet person and wonderful friend but everyone labeled her as “desperate” because she was a people-pleaser. Kids can be cruel but that’s what happens when your brain isn’t even developed yet. As they say– don’t let the past make you bitter, but better. I’m sure we all have things we did in the past that we felt terrible about.
I didn’t realize it but when I was young (and dumb), I despised ‘weak’ people and as I got older, I learned that was my own deep-rooted fear of being weak and failing. Paradoxically, when I found myself “annoyed” at weak people, I still felt empathy and wanted to help.
Deep down, we are all weak and imperfect.
The difference between those who get what they want and those who don’t?
They work for it.
They work on themselves.
To this day, I am sympathetic but I have zero tolerance for the victim mentality.
2. Do The Inner Work
Obsess with becoming a better person every single day.
I may have never always gotten what I wanted in life but I realized I always got what I “needed at that time in my life”.
Since you attract people at the level you are at, every person that comes into your life is there for a reason or a season.
I never knew a time when I wasn’t working on myself, pushing, learning, and growing. I grew up with little money but I had lots of wealthier relatives and friends who got to take lessons and do cool things I could never do. Truthfully, we weren’t “poor” because we had a home and food on the table but I felt poor because I didn’t have the same opportunities and upbringing as everyone around me.
My most traumatizing memories were having to literally wear the same few outfits throughout elementary school and growing up with a barbie with one shoe because I was too scared to ask my parents to buy me new toys since I saw them working multiple jobs to give us the life we had.
Writing this, I realized I imposed this scarcity mindset onto myself by being too scared to ask my parents for anything because I always felt it was wrong to want things. They really did so much to make sure my sister and I lived a good life.
3. Stay Curious.
Do the work. Never stop learning and growing.
I have a very militant mindset and I’ve always liked to be pushed so deep down my inner child was in despair but instead of being jealous or playing victim, I found ways to make myself smarter by writing and reading ever since I could remember, teaching myself how to code and design when I got my first computer at age 9, began blogging and winning design awards by 11 (lol, was much easier bAcK iN tH0$e iNtERnEt DaYz), and got myself into a career when all my friends were starting college. I hated mediocrity and didn’t understand why people wasted their time.
I pushed myself because even though my parents were amazing, they never pushed me.
I had always linked a well-rounded intellect to success and to this day, I haven’t stopped simply because leveling up meant survival.
Life is an endless journey of self-discovery– laughter, experiences, and tears… including going deep into the shadows of your subconscious to uncover your past trauma and fears, uncovering dark truths to see the light, and finding clarity in every lesson and experience.
That is the only way to understand what you truly need (at that time in your life– because it may change again later).
4. Hold Yourself Accountable
Recognize that no one is going to save you but yourself.
If you don’t have the life you want or the partner you think you deserve, sorry hunnie– it’s all on you. Once you stop playing the victim and start taking accountability, your life is going to be a complete one-eighty.
If you don’t know what you want, you won’t know what to look for.
I was never one of those girls who dreamed of getting married, and I never wanted to settle down. It took me 34 years to finally understand what I wanted in a life partner. Not surprisingly enough, it is the complete opposite of all my ex-boyfriends (only had 4 actual relationships to date including the current one– random dates but they don’t count!). I’ve actually had very good relationships and I respect all my exes but I never knew how important it was until a couple of years ago to never lower your standards when choosing a life partner– because they are going to be with you for life.
Even though I’ve been doing personal development since high school, I didn’t have enough life experience to finally get to where I am today and finally be comfortable enough in my own skin to live my authentic truth.
Our dopamine-driven brains are wired for us to continuously move forward. You are only as good as your environment so you better make sure that person is not only your equal but inspires you to be a better person every day. It’s an uncomfortable truth, but once we realize we can’t grow in our environment, we will stop being happy.
Make sure you and your partner understand this and how crucial it is to keep your relationship stimulated by shared experiences.
If you haven’t done the inner work, you are going to attract partners that you think you want. That almost always equates to chaos.
Perhaps it is because your mom was a ‘boss-bitch’ (like mine) — you may attract men that you can control or depend on you because it makes you feel empowered. I subconsciously thought I had to live in my mom’s, grandma’s, and great grandma’s shoes– because apparently, it ran in our family way back to the dynastic era in China. I had 2/4 of past relationships with this dynamic and let me tell you, I was lucky to have men who would move the world for me but it didn’t work out because I lost complete respect for them.
You can’t love someone by stepping all over them.
Over the years, I learned it’s imperative for us to honor our biology and not this ‘boss bitch’ mentality that society instills in us after centuries of being suppressed as women. I began my career in video games at a very prestigious company in my teens — I lived through my intense career phase thankfully when I was young, which only helped me embrace my femininity when I quit my job and went on a sabbatical to travel at 28…. but also instilled the strength to stand my ground.
My biggest fear is losing my identity and becoming dependent on someone else so yes, I will never stop working on my career, myself, and being independent but my man has to feel like a man… otherwise I know I will never be happy in a relationship.
If you feel the need to “be in control, be better, be smarter” than your partner, ask yourself: what will happen if I lose that power? That will tell you why you feel the need for control, which is actually a deep-rooted trauma. Only balanced relationships will be the most fulfilling.
5. Honour Your Biology.
Men evolved to live in the moment because they need to hunt and gather.
Women evolved to nurture the family and plan for the future.
…hence why women have higher rates of anxiety while men tend to forget about things at the moment.
Understanding this, I became so much more compassionate and patient as a partner.
6. Understand How The World Works
Know that balance is the hardest thing to achieve.
I need my partner to be equal parts masculine and vulnerable.
Just as he needs me to be equal parts feminine and strong.
Life is all about balance which is the hardest thing to achieve otherwise we’d live in a perfect world. Our world is definitely not. It’s riddled with paradoxes.
I don’t mean to sound shallow and I know feminism and masculine toxicity are very serious topics we all have to consider but I don’t agree with the extremes of any philosophy.
7. Be Authentic & Be Unapologetically You
Learn to be strong and vulnerable at the same time.
They say vulnerability is strength. That’s true but also be careful to not abuse vulnerability to your advantage because sometimes I feel social media has also taken that too far into the deep end.
8. Never Settle For Mediocrity
Be direct. Ask for what you want.
The quality of your life depends on the quality of the questions you ask. If you don’t ask, 50% chance you’ll get a no but what if you get a yes? Stop being scared of rejection. If it wasn’t meant to be, it’s better to move on ASAP than waste time (you’ll never get back).
9. Live Unapologetically.
Be loud. Be bold. Take lots of pictures. Post selfies. Do your hair. Get your nails done. Wear what you want. Flaunt what you have. Wear the highest heels. Wear sweatpants at a fancy restaurant. Stop giving a fuck about what anyone thinks.
There are billions of people in the world and if you think for one second you are significant, you are not — so why not enjoy your life?
Remember, self-confidence is to have a good relationship with yourself. People who judge you lack this because happy and fulfilled people have no reason to judge anyone.
If you stay authentic and consistent with your actions and values, you will never have to prove that you’re a good person because our minds are trained to recognize patterns. Your tribe will see the good in you and you will find the good in them.
You get what you want by:
- Putting in the hard work.
- Doing the inner work, including shadow work.
- Never stop learning and growing.
- 4. Hold yourself accountable.
- Honoring your biology.
- Understanding how the world works.
- Being authentic.
- Never settling for mediocrity.
- Live unapologetically