You know when people say our attraction to someone is subconscious? Well, it’s all about this fancy thing called “attachment theory” and how our early experiences with our caregivers affect who we’re drawn to romantically.
Basically, attachment theory says that the way our caregivers treated us when we were little shapes our beliefs about love, trust, and getting close to others.
What Is The Attachment Theory
During our formative years, we develop an attachment style based on how consistently and responsively our caregivers meet our emotional and physical needs. This attachment style typically falls into one of three categories: secure, anxious, or avoidant.
Secure Attachment Style:
If you had caregivers who were loving, consistent, and there for you when you needed them, you probably developed a secure attachment style. That means you feel pretty good about yourself and relationships, and you’re comfortable with both closeness and independence.
Indicators you may have a secure attachment style:
- Are you generally comfortable with both intimacy and independence in relationships?
- Do you trust your partner and have a positive view of yourself and others?
- Are you able to communicate your needs and boundaries effectively?
- Do you feel confident in giving and receiving support from your partner?
- Do you have a balanced approach to handling conflicts and disagreements?
- Are you able to maintain a sense of self and personal identity within relationships?
- Do you feel secure and confident in the love and commitment of your partner?
Anxious Attachment Style:
But if your caregivers were inconsistent or not so great at meeting your needs, you might have developed an anxious attachment style. That could make you crave reassurance, worry a lot about being abandoned, and generally feel unsure about your partner’s love and commitment.
Indicators you may have an anxious attachment style:
- Do you often worry about your partner’s feelings and intentions towards you?
- Are you frequently seeking reassurance and validation from your partner?
- Do you fear being abandoned or left alone in relationships?
- Do you have a strong desire for constant closeness and emotional connection?
- Do you tend to overthink and overanalyze relationship dynamics?
- Are you easily triggered by perceived signs of rejection or neglect?
- Do you have difficulty trusting your partner’s love and commitment, even in the absence of concrete evidence?
Avoidant Attachment Style:
If your caregivers were emotionally distant or unavailable, you might have an avoidant attachment style. This can make it tough for you to open up, and trust others, and you might value your independence a little too much. You may struggle with intimacy and keep emotional distance in relationships.
Indicators you may have an avoidant attachment style:
- Are you generally comfortable with both intimacy and independence in relationships?
- Do you trust your partner and have a positive view of yourself and others?
- Are you able to communicate your needs and boundaries effectively?
- Do you feel confident in giving and receiving support from your partner?
- Do you have a balanced approach to handling conflicts and disagreements?
- Are you able to maintain a sense of self and personal identity within relationships?
- Do you feel secure and confident in the love and commitment of your partner?
Why Attraction Is Subconscious
Now, here’s where it gets interesting: Because our attachment styles are deeply ingrained, they tend to influence the people we’re attracted to. It’s like we’re drawn to partners who remind us of our early caregivers, even if those relationships weren’t healthy or fulfilling.
For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you might find yourself attracted to people who are a bit inconsistent or hard to pin down because you’re hoping to finally get the love and validation you missed out on as a kid. And if you have an avoidant attachment style, you might be drawn to partners who keep their distance emotionally, mirroring the unavailability you experienced in the past.
Subconscious Programming
The science behind our early years and how they shape our future relationships is fascinating. During the period from birth to around age 7, our brains are like sponges, soaking up information and experiences from our environment. This is a critical phase of development where our brains are highly receptive to learning and forming neural connections.
As kids, we are incredibly observant and absorbent, taking in everything around us. We learn how to interact with others, what love and affection look like, and how to navigate the world based on our interactions with caregivers, family members, and the environment we grow up in.
These early experiences play a significant role in shaping our model of relationships. Our caregivers serve as our first role models, and their behavior and interactions with us become the foundation for our understanding of love, trust, and connection. We learn about emotional expression, communication styles, conflict resolution, and more through the relationships we observe during this critical period.
For instance, if we were lucky enough to grow up in an environment where our caregivers rocked healthy communication, emotional availability, and a secure bond, we’re more likely to internalize those patterns and develop a positive view of relationships.
But life isn’t always rainbows and unicorns. If we witnessed toxic shenanigans, inconsistent care, or emotional neglect, those experiences can leave a mark on our beliefs about ourselves, others, and relationships. Not the most positive mark, mind you.
Now, here’s the kicker: the impact of these early experiences is often lurking in our subconscious. That means we might not even be fully aware of how they’re pulling the strings of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in our adult relationships. Our brains have stored these early patterns as sneaky implicit memories, which can mess with our attachment styles, conflict resolution skills, trust levels, and overall relationship dynamics.
Don’t despair just yet. While our early years set the stage, they don’t dictate the whole show. As we grow older, we gain this nifty thing called self-reflection. We can look in the mirror, figuratively or literally, and go, “Hey, what’s up with those relationship patterns?”
By becoming aware of these sneaky patterns and how they’re shaping our love connections, we can roll up our sleeves and actively challenge and change them. Therapy, deep thoughts, and engaging in healthy relationships become our superpowers. We can reshape our relationship model and develop new patterns that align with our yearning for love, connection, and all-around happiness.
So, here’s the deal: while our early years have a major impact, they don’t have the final say. Once you understand, you can become more aware of your patterns and make conscious choices. You don’t have to keep repeating those old dynamics.
We’re the bosses of our own love lives. We have the power to shape and evolve our relationship patterns as we continue to learn and grow throughout our epic journey called life. We all have the power to unleash the conscious beast within and create the relationships we truly desire.
11 Actionable Strategies To Learn About Your Attachment Style
Understanding your attachment style and working towards overcoming its challenges can greatly benefit your relationships and personal growth. Here are some actionable tips and strategies to get you started:
1. Get Schooled
Dive into attachment theory like a boss. Read books, articles, or binge-watch videos about the different attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant. Knowledge is power.
2. Time to Reflect
Take a chill moment to reflect on your childhood. Think about your early experiences and relationships with your caregivers. How did they shape your beliefs and behaviors in relationships? Scribble your thoughts in a journal.
3. Find Your Style
Do a little self-assessment to figure out your attachment style. Hop online and try out those quizzes and self-assessment tools. But remember, they’re just starting points, not carved-in-stone diagnoses.
4. Call in the Pros
Consider bringing in the big guns—a therapist or counselor who knows their stuff about attachment theory. They’ll be your guide on this adventure, helping you uncover patterns and grow like a champion.
5. Mindfulness for the Win
Embrace mindfulness like a zen warrior. Pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and how you act in relationships. Catch those attachment-related patterns and triggers like a boss. Awareness is the key to breaking free.
6. Mindfulness… Did We Mention That?
Seriously, mindfulness is awesome, we had to mention it twice. Keep practicing that self-awareness in your daily life. Be present, notice your attachment patterns, and break free from those old habits.
7. Crush Negative Beliefs
Spot those negative beliefs that hold you back and knock them out. If you’re anxious, kick fear of abandonment to the curb. Start replacing negative thoughts with positive and realistic ones. Begin to do this with a simple gratitude practice which will rewire your brain to see the bright side of things. The advice is cliché but write down three things that you are grateful for every day in your journal. Trust me, this works.
8. Let’s Talk
If you’re in a relationship, have an open and honest chat with your partner about attachment theory. Let them in on your attachment style journey. It’ll create an environment where you both can grow and kick butt together.
9. Boundaries, Baby
Establish some rock-solid boundaries in your relationships. Speak up, set limits, and respect the boundaries of others. Boundaries give you a sense of safety and room to grow. You’re in charge here.
10. Love Yourself
Be kind and compassionate to yourself throughout this process. Healing attachment wounds takes time and effort. Treat yourself with care and nurture your emotional well-being. You deserve it.
11. Power Posse
Surround yourself with kickass people who rock the secure attachment vibe. Build friendships and relationships with supportive, reliable, and emotionally available folks. Let them be your role models for developing a secure attachment style.
The Take Away: Attraction Is Subconscious
Working on your attachment style is like embarking on a journey, and it’s not a quick fix. Progress happens in baby steps, friends. Remember, attachment styles aren’t set in stone. You might have a mix of traits from different styles—it’s all on a spectrum.
The name of the game is self-awareness. Get to know yourself better, understand your patterns, and work towards a more secure and satisfying attachment style in your relationships. Cut yourself some slack, though. This stuff takes time and effort. Celebrate every bit of growth and positive change you experience along the way.
Stay curious, put in the work, and be open to learning and evolving. Trust me, you’ve got what it takes to conquer those attachment challenges and build amazing, fulfilling relationships.
